It’s a mad, mad world

I am in my late 40s and I have to tell you, I find the world we live in to be increasingly difficult to navigate.

This isn’t one of those “oh, life was so simple back in the day” posts—because it wasn’t.

I was 11 days old when JFK was assassinated. My childhood was a cluster-fuck of mixed messages from my ultra-conservative, Nixon-loving parents and the movements of civil rights and equality for women. I grew up in the Cold War. I did the duck-and-cover-atom-bomb drills in school. I sat with my mom in the family-gas-guzzler in a block-long line during a gas shortage.

After a childhood of hippies, Vietnam, and Watergate, my teen and early adult years were dotted with John Hughes films and “Risky Business”— with the message was clear ‘don’t improve the world, just make money.’ I was told that I can’t drive 55 and that greed was, in fact, good.

Through the 80s and 90s, I rocked my REALLY BIG hair and I watched my MTV. I got married, divorced, raised a kid alone and moved from the Midwest to the South. Y2K came and went, I put myself through college, married the love of my life, uprooted myself again and made a 180-degree-mid-life career change.

What I am saying is, I’ve seen a lot of shit in my time.

But I am in a perplexing place where I just can’t seem to make a decision about much of anything, and I feel overwhelmed and I swear the world has never been as BAT SHIT CRAZY as it is today.

Now I hate to blame the media (frankly, I am a member of the media) but nothing makes sense to me these days. I am bombarded with information, from the “Today” show to Twitter, and I just don’t know what I am supposed to do to be a good citizen of this planet.

The economy is bad, but other than my salary being frozen for the last three years, it hasn’t had a huge impact on my family’s income and for that I am INFINITELY grateful. So I feel like I should pay back, that I should help in whatever way I can, right?

You should shop, because retailers need the sales, and all the industries that support retail also need the business. BUT, shop local, because corporations are BAD. Except your husband works for a corporation, and so did you for 21 years, and you know thousands of people depend on those paychecks and benefits, right?

OK. So I should spend my money with local businesses and only good corporate citizens, not big businesses that discriminate or support PACs that support candidates that support suppressing people’s rights. And I need to know where all the goods are coming from, because while I have nothing personally against the Chinese, I also want to make sure I am not supporting their exploitation and the migration of American jobs, right?

BUT WAIT! The economy is BAD! You should stockpile cash in case of unexpected job loss. Start watching all expenses and make sure to SAVE for retirement. CLIP COUPONS, for God’s sake! Can’t count on Social Security or the stock market anymore— it’s run by a bunch of greedy fucks from the “Risky Business” generation who are pissing all over the new generation of hippies, also known as Occupiers. 

OK, maybe I only shop a little, at both local stores and the best chains, and save money where I can, and—oh, I know! Instead of sending Christmas cards, I will take the money I would have spent on postage, etc. and make a charitable donation. Then I’ve supported the economy, saved  money and helped those less fortunate, right?


Sure, just when the postal employees are down, just kick them in the balls, why don’t you? Maybe this time next year, the mailman will be one of the people helped by that charity where you donated a few bucks.

All this makes my head hurt, so I just want to go get a cup of coffee at Starbucks.

Starbucks? Are you serious? Talk about a HUGE corporation! Buy local! Go to the locally owned coffee shop with the over-roasted, bitter drinks and the surly counter help. Sure, you won’t enjoy it and you will miss the friendly banter of the nice barista at Starbucks, but it’s the right thing to do.

Yeah! I’ll bet that Starbucks barista is only being nice to me because the CORPORATE ROBBER BARONS are forcing her. Inside, she probably hates me and hopes my cat dies. Of course she’ll hate me even more when that Starbucks closes and she loses her job (with benefits!) because I couldn’t spare $5 for a mocha now and then.

WHAT? Spending $5 on a cup of coffee? Really? Who are you? A one percenter? Make your own coffee at home and SAVE! Just make sure it’s fair trade, organic coffee. And all those groceries that you are stuffing into those reusable bags? Do you know where they came from? Are they certified organic? Are you supporting local farmers or just lining the pockets of those unscrupulous corporations again. 

SCREW ALL THIS SHIT! I am just going to get drunk.

Drinking your pain away again? Sure, keep looking for relief at the bottom of that bottle. Wash down your anti-depressants and your anti-anxiety pills that you buy from BIG PHARMA with booze and see if you can NUMB YOURSELF to the KIDS STARVING IN AFRICA, the same ones you saw photos of posted on NPR’s Tumblr blog last night, right before the blog featuring some douche throwing a BIRTHDAY PARTY for his dog! By the way, NICE CHRISTMAS SWEATER ON YOUR CAT!

OK, I say. Calm down, I say. You have a nice life, you donate to a variety of charities and arts programs, you are a caring person who tries the best she can to do the right thing. And that’s all that anyone can really ask of you, right?

I take a deep breath and then I glance at my engagement ring, the material symbol of my husband’s love that, by the way, cost more than my first car, and all I can think is, “I wonder if this is a blood diamond?”